Pygmy Problems
by Zweee
Summary: 10Rose  Rose and the Doctor have a nice little conversation while awaiting to be devoured by a tribe pygmies.  One shot.


**A/N: I am currently suffering from writers block on my story "This sickness" so I wrote a cut little one shot. This story is for everyone who wanted pygmies in the other story. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor who. Duh. If I did well I wouldn't be writing fan fic I would be getting him to take me somewhere that never sees snow.**

"You know when I mentioned that we should go out for some exotic food I didn't mean I wanted to be the food."

"Well, you really should have been more clear about that Rose."

"Oh I will be in future."

"Well you don't have to sound so miffed."

"You're right Doctor. I have nothing to be miffed about. I am tied up in a cage made out of bones while a bunch of mutant pygmy things are dancing around and chanting about how they are going to cook me. Nope, no reason to be miffed there."

"You know," commented the Doctor, "We may be in a bit of a pickle this time."

"You think!"

"Oh shoo go away!"

"Excuse me?" answered Rose.

"Oh not you," He corrected, "Him." A particularly pudgy pygmy had sauntered over to examine the two captives tied together back to back in the gruesome pen. The pygmy broke into a sudden fit of creepy giggles and ran away.

"I can't get my hands loose. What about you, Rose?"

"What do you think I've been doing for the last half an hour?" she responded through gritted teeth. "I've nearly got one hand out."

The Doctor grinned. "Good cuz I don't really fancy being roasted today."

"You don't mind being roasted other days?"

"Well," he answered, "I spent so much time on my hair this morning. I would hate to have all that effort wasted by getting scalped."

Rose sighed. "Your last regeneration would have come up with a plan to get us out of here instead of worrying about his hair."

"Oh but he was so serious all the time. This me is the life of the party. Besides I have a plan. You are going to get your hand free and reach around and grab the sonic screwdriver out of my front pocket. Good plan, eh?"

He only received an incoherent grunt from his companion.

"I'm sorry Rose I didn't quite catch that."

"I said some party."

"Are you sure?" he asked, cocking his head to one side in concentration. "Cuz to me it kinda sounded something like 'Great, leave it up to me'. But ya this is turning into quite the party. Those little guys are getting pretty riled up, like kids high on birthday cake."

"Well if kids are like that I don't know how anyone ever has any," commented Rose.

"Well," the Doctor explained, "It's really quite simple. When a man and a woman love each other or when they have too much to drink they… Didn't your mother ever tell you where babies come from?"

Rose counted to ten very slowly in her head before answering. "Oh of course," she answered, voice dripping with sarcasm. "The stork drops them off."

"Well actually on Hepplebumpin that isn't far from the truth. Except it isn't really a stork, more of an alligator with wings and a trumpet."

Rose was having a difficult time picturing a flying alligator holding a baby in one hand and a trumpet in the other. Abandoning the image entirely she commented, "Well I have just come to the conclusion that I am never having children. Ever. Not if they are going to even slightly resemble those hooligans." She nodded her head toward the ever- growing crowd of dancing, half naked pygmies.

"I've often wondered what it would be like having a little Rose Tyler running about the TARDIS," he mused.

"Really… often you say."

"Well not often," he stammered. "Only once or twice…no defiantly only once. Very briefly. A passing thought, gone as soon as it arrived."

The chanting grew louder. "You don't happen to be any closer to getting your hand free?" he asked.

"I'm working on it."

"Well work faster or we are going to be dinner. Uh oh Rose, they're coming this way."

Rose's hands worked furiously at her bindings. "This might be it, eh Doctor?"

"Yep," he answered.

"I never thought it would end like this. Us becoming supper and all. But I'm not sorry. Actually there is something I need to tell you."

"Uh, Rose?"

"No Doctor, let me finish. You changed my life. You saved me from a boring job and beans on toast. So thank-you." Out of the corner of her eye she could see the pygmies coming closer and closer.

"You're welcome. Now Rose…"

"No wait I have one more thing to say. I love you." She sighed. There she had finally said it. He knew how she felt.

Several pygmies entered the cramped cage. They roughly grabbed hold of the companions and led them, still bound outside. A menacing pygmy with a skull on his head stepped forward and made a slashing motion with his hands.

The pygmy holding Rose cut her bonds, releasing her. She looked about in confusion.

Skull-head spoke, "Your session is complete."

"Huh," questioned Rose.

Skull-head answered, "You were only booked for an hour. Now you must leave. We have more clients coming."

Rose turned to the Doctor who was shaking his head and making wild gestures. Upon seeing her eyes on him, he stopped, pretending to scratch his ear. "So let me get this straight," asked Rose. "You were never going to eat us."

Skull-head shook his head, a bemused smile on his face.

"He paid you to tie us up and dance around like you were going to feast on our flesh."

"Oh yes ma'am," answered skull-head. "These type of fake incarcerations are supposed to be very good for couples. They are all the rage nowadays."

Rose was about to speak but she was interrupted by the Doctor. "Well," he said, slowly backing away from Rose's glare, "It was great doing business with you Tuk-tuk but right now I really must run. Bye"

"Oi," screamed Rose as she ran after him. "I am going to kill you. And when you regenerate I'm going to do it again."

"You only hurt the ones you love." The Doctor regretted those words as soon as they passed his lips because they only fueled Rose to go faster.

**A/N: So what do you think? I'm not sure about the end. I almost want to write more but I know that it is better if I just leave it like that. Plz read and review, review.**


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